I get it. I really do.
For most people acceptance sounds like “liking”, “tolerating”, “wanting” or even “wishing for” something. And as a therapist working with acceptance as one of my main tools, I am often faced with resistance whenever I mention acceptance.
And that is because the kind of acceptance that I am referring to is often being misunderstood as it means something completely different for the person I am talking to.
An example of a difficult situation I got myself into was with a mother who tragically lost 3 of her children.
I was kind of new as a therapist and I was totally in love with the concept of acceptance.
So I would talk about acceptance as the solution to Every. Problem. In. The. Universe (ish).
My client – the mother who lost her children – was of course drowning in grief. And my invitation was to find a way to carry that grief so that she could live a valued life, be the mother she wanted to be for the child that she didn’t loose and be the partner she wanted to be towards her partner. With grief.
Sounds good, right?
The problem is that I used the word acceptance.
And because I used that word, what she heard me say was: “why can’t you just accept that you’ve lost 3 children?”.
Ouch.
(I can barely write this).
*face turns read from shame*
You hear how that sounds, right?
And so I had to spend several sessions trying to repair the damage that was done.
My intention was kind and friendly.
I never said what she heard.
And. It. Doesn’t. Matter.
It broke her heart.
(And mine was broken too by that).
So despite the shame of telling you about my mistakes, I’d like to share what I have learned (sometimes the hard way) about what acceptance is and what it isn’t.